mitch_hedberg

R.I.P. Mitch

The Ultimate Mitch Hedberg Compilation

Mitch Hedberg – Comedy Central Special

· Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?

· I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.[1]

· See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for ‘sale’. Please alphabetize ‘it’.”[2]

· (Pointing to the back of the room as if to relay his post-show whereabouts.) If you wanna talk to me after the show I’ll be … fuckin’ surprised.

· I don’t have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

· We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That’s a showbiz term for “Add sugar to”.

· I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

· Hey this jokes on the first CD but I added a new line so I can’t fuckin’ rob you of this one. I got a ant farm but them fellas didn’t grow shit. I said “C’mon what about some celery. You fuckers don’t farm; plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen.”

· I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant cuz “The customer’s always right.”

· Alright, alright. That joke’s better than you acted. Perhaps it’s not. Maybe it’s dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I’m not a fuckin’ genius for Christ’s sakes. You know. I’m just tryin’ to tell some jokes. Shit. Who the fuck are you? That track is number fourteen. It’s called “Attitude”.

· I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book”. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

· “I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “No”. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit.”

· If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

· I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? “Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom’s got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is A.K.A hallway. This bedroom’s over in that guy’s house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it.”

· I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s three a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”

· I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.” Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean.”[3]

· I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.[4]

· I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice. I would like to exchange this for the “keep it!”[4]

· I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”[5]

· When I play the South, they say “ya’ll” in the South. They take out the “O” and the “U”. So when I’m in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. “Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I’m in the South, you understand. I mean I’m in the Sth, and I want some s-p!” “I stubbed my toe, -ch!” “I need to lay down on the c-ch!” “I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!”[6]

· I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.[3]

· You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.[7]

· I went to the store to buy a candleholder but the store didnt have one, so i got a cake.

· I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”

· I like escalators because an escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You’ll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still get up there.

· I rent a lot of cars, but I don’t always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake, it’s an emergency “make the car smell funny” lever.

· I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

· I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say, man, can I turn on the radio?” “You should slow down.” “Why we gotta keep going in circles?” “Man, you really like Tide.”

· I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said “You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.

· Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying “Here, you throw this away.”

· Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

· I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

· I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to “slam the flap.” How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick? Zipper Noise Fuck you!

· When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, “DuFresnes, party of two, table ready for DuFresnes, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: “DuFresnes, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes!? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this!? People are missing. You people are selfish. The DuFresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the DuFresnes.”

· I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll give you the money, you give me the doughnut—end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend—”Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut—I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it’s back home in the file, under ‘D’, for doughnut.” ‘Cuz we all know that ‘D’ is for doughnut.

· People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, “That guy eats cake. He is on bundt cake.” Mothers would say to their daughters, “Don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?”

· Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up.

· I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.

· I’ll tell ya, I go to a craft fair, I see a jar of jelly beans. They say, “Guess how many jelly beans are in the jar and you win a prize!” Aw come on, man. Let me just have some. I’ll tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right.

· About once every three years I think about buying a yo-yo. I’ll be at the store and I’ll come upon the yo-yo section. And I’ll fantasize about mastering it to the point where it becomes a reference as to who I am. “Do you know Mitch Hedberg? Is he that guy that kicks ass on the yo-yo?” Yes I do. He is cool.

· Every day for breakfast I have a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don’t do anything for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

· I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress mis-understood me because she said, “How would you like your eggs?” So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said “Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun, damn it’s gonna take awhile. I don’t have time, scrambled!”

· I got an ant farm…them fellas didn’t grow shit.

· I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”

· My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

· I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

· My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “no, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”.

· A guy told me he liked cherries…but… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato…before i realized he likes cherries just…alright, that joke is ridiculous. That’s like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don’t know what i was trying to pull off there.

· Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

· Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, “I’m gonna go shave, too.”

· On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, ‘where the fuck did you get that banana at?’

· I never joined the army because “at ease” never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I’m eased bro, cause I’m not in the military.

· My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.'”

· I dressed up for the CD

· I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

· Popsicles are for the summertime…

· When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. “Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.” But I like crackers man, that’s why I bought it, ’cause I like crackers! I don’t see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates! You’ve got no faith in the product itself.

· This is what my friend said to me; he said, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” It’s like,”Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause.”

· I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

· I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

· I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

· I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he’s fuzzy, let’s get out of here.

· This shirt is “dry-clean only”…which means it’s dirty.

· My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least.”

· I saw some two-dollar bills, today. They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control. Now it’s worth eight, still says “two”.

· One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”

· If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don’t ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to boat.

· I play sports…no I don’t, what the fuck?

· Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!”

· I’ve always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist

· If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

· I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”

· My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches.

· I like vending machines ‘cuz snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves it’s maximum flavor potential.

· So I wish I could play little league now, I’d kick some fuckin’ ass.

· If I was a locksmith I’d be fuckin’ pimpin’ that shit out.”Say, what’s goin’ on, man? Tell you what. I’ll trade you a free key duplication(laughs).” That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good ‘cuz there’s no ending

· I drank some boiling water ‘cuz I wanted to whistle

· This is a CD called HIT AND MISS.

· Hey Frampton! Do you like toast? Me too! It is warm and crispy and the perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay away from me Frampton, I ain’t got shit to say to you!

· I like wearing this pass, because it lets me know when I’m upside down.

· I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

· You know when it comes to racism, people say: ” I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green”… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! – Unless they’re suffocating – then help’em.

· I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

· I like the American-Canadian border, ‘cuz if you’re walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can’t push you back right away, ‘cuz first he has to go through customs. “What brings you to Canada?”:[Points to the side] “That asshole.” “When are you leaving?” “As soon as I regain my equilibrium!”

· I have a new CD; it’s in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I’m shopping. That’s how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.

· Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you’re high, and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary. It’s like,”Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?”

· (to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said “fuck it…lets sit down”.

· I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana…I said ‘no’ but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so…yeah.

· I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.

· They say Flintstone’s vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it’s just that they taste shitty. I’m glad they made Flintstone’s vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, “Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.”

· You know that word “lull”? That’s four letters, three of them are L’s, fuck! That’s too many L’s in one word! The word lull is one letter away from…oh shit. That’ll fuck up a joke!

· I like when they bring a comedian on stage, they always tell you what else they do. But fuck, this is enough, isn’t it? He’s here tonight performing, because that is his job! But no, it’s gotta be, “He laid bricks in Philadelphia. And he repaired a car in Oklahoma. He has an umbrella store in Philadelphia. That’s the only city that comes to mind right now. Philadelphia, ’cause you can say “Philly” and the people from Philadelphia will not get mad. Like if you say “Frisco,” San Francisco people say, “Fuck off!” But if you say “Philly” they say, “Alright!” Because I don’t always have time to say “Philadelphia.” Sometimes I just need that word to be two syllables. Phil-a-del-phi-a. Fuck, five! Your town would be called Philly too if it had five syllables!

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